A Southern Gentleman's Take on the War

This entry comes from the Vanity Fair  (date not indicated),  as found in The Rebellion Record:  A Diary of American Events, Volume III, 1862 edited by Frank Moore.

SWELL'S SOLILOQUY.

I don't appwove this hawid waw;

Those 'dweadful bannahs hawt my eyes; 

And guns and dwums are such a baw, —

Why don't the pawties compwamise?

Of cawce, the twoilet has its chawms;

But why must all the vulgah cwowd

Pawsist in spawting unifawms,
In cullaws so extwemely loud?

And then the ladies --  pwecious deahs ! —

I mawk the change on ev'wy bwow;

Bai Jove! I weally have my feahs
They wathah like the hawid waw!

To heah the chawming cweatures talk,
Like patwons of the bloody wing,

Of waw and all its dawtv wawk, —
It doesn't seem a pwappah thing!

I called at Mrs. Gweene's last night,
To see her niece. Miss Mawy Hertz,

And found her making — cwushing sight! -- 

The weddest kind of flannel shirts!

Of cawce I wose and sought the daw,

With fewy flashing from my eyes!

I can't appwove this hawid waw ; --

Why don't the pawties compwamise ?

Illustration Civil War Union Envelope, Caricature of a "Southern Gentleman",
from the Library of Congress Collection