Putting It Down in Black and White

This entry comes from Vanity Fair, July 18, 1861, and concerns an slave woman disguised as a soldier.

. .. An exchange, published somewhere in the country, fills out a column with this sublime statement::  A slave woman has been discovered in one of the Ohio regiments.  She was discharged.  

That is all.  Clear, Quiet, and simple in language, thrilling in meaning, and totally incomprehensible of understanding, we present it to our readers just as we find it.  Our eyes do not deceive us. 


A black woman has passed herself off for a white soldier.  Shade of Jasper!  What a metamorphosis.  Was she whitewashed?  Did she "paint an inch thick" to come "to that complexion?"  How did she pass the medical examination unsuspected?  What was her object?  Did she wear a beard?  The more questions we ask, the more profound our mystification grows.  Is it an enigma, a conundrum?  What Is It?  We give it up.  But, if this sort of thing is prevalent, what regiment is safe from these female ethiopan Jaspers?   How do we know that our army, which we have loved and esteemed so much, is not largely composed of negro wenches!  Can anybody swear the Brigadier-General Pierce is not a colored maiden in disguise?  If he is, let him also be discharged, and speedily.


Seriously, it doesn't seem likely that this can be a very common case. Jasper's was not and Munchausen's adventures were unique.  Let us hope that the Ohio regiment is the only one in whose ranks a Chloe or a Phyllis has found even a temporary asylum, and let us rejoice that in that case "she was discharged."  It is probably that McAhone's (?) army alone boasts of an organization of "light quadroons;" and that we can put down rebellion better than by Putting it Down in Black and White.

Brigadier-General Byron Root Pierce

Specimens of Secessional School Books

This entry is from Vanity Fair, Volume 3, 1861, and it is an excerpt from an article called "Specimens of Secessional School Books:"

Vanity Fair having discovered a want is resolved to supply it. Our Seceding brethren want food for the young mind free from the abolition virus, and we have accordingly prepared a series of Geogrophies, Spelling-books, Grammars &c, in which every idea is a native of the Sunny South, and therefore appropriate to Southern Sonnies. Our caveat is entered with the excellent Jeff.

FROM OUR SOUTHERN GEOGRAPHY
SOUTH CAROLINA. A vast empire, bounded on the North by the Arctic Ocean, East by Fort Sumter, South by the Tortugas, and West by the Pacific. The population is illimitable, the productions incalculable, its resources inexhaustible. The people are happy because the Better Half of themselves are slaves. Its Chivalry awes the World by valiant deeds; its navy defies the battle and the breeze.
 

Production – South Carolina produces chattels of every shade, to suit the taste of the purchaser.

Diseases – The prevailing disorders are violent Retches and Sicksession. A Dr. Jackson once invented a cure for these complaints.

Literature – The standard of literature is high. The Charleston Mercury, the journal of the western world, is renowned for the purity of its English and the elevation of its morals. Its circulation is enormous. It justly holds every man a traitor who does not steal from the U. S. Government.

OUR SECESSION GRAMMAR
The peculiarity of this work is its proper use of terms. For instance we say “the noun is the slave of the verb.” “The verb is the master of the accusative.” Great stress is laid on Passives and Supines. Obedience is taught in every line. . . .

Vanity Fair Cover from University of Michigan 's Online collection

A Southern Gentleman's Take on the War

This entry comes from the Vanity Fair  (date not indicated),  as found in The Rebellion Record:  A Diary of American Events, Volume III, 1862 edited by Frank Moore.

SWELL'S SOLILOQUY.

I don't appwove this hawid waw;

Those 'dweadful bannahs hawt my eyes; 

And guns and dwums are such a baw, —

Why don't the pawties compwamise?

Of cawce, the twoilet has its chawms;

But why must all the vulgah cwowd

Pawsist in spawting unifawms,
In cullaws so extwemely loud?

And then the ladies --  pwecious deahs ! —

I mawk the change on ev'wy bwow;

Bai Jove! I weally have my feahs
They wathah like the hawid waw!

To heah the chawming cweatures talk,
Like patwons of the bloody wing,

Of waw and all its dawtv wawk, —
It doesn't seem a pwappah thing!

I called at Mrs. Gweene's last night,
To see her niece. Miss Mawy Hertz,

And found her making — cwushing sight! -- 

The weddest kind of flannel shirts!

Of cawce I wose and sought the daw,

With fewy flashing from my eyes!

I can't appwove this hawid waw ; --

Why don't the pawties compwamise ?

Illustration Civil War Union Envelope, Caricature of a "Southern Gentleman",
from the Library of Congress Collection